Désirée, is my name. Kind of fitting when you think about what this blog is about. It is of French origin and derives from the word “desirer” which means “to wish or long for; crave; want.”
When I was 22 years old I was diagnosed with a condition that no young adult would expect, want to hear or want to accept. INFERTILITY.
How is this possible? At such young age! Well, sad news is, it is possible and more common than you might think. It was a hard pill to swallow and despite knowing that hope is not lost it still wears on me at times. For the longest time I have felt like I have lost my entire womanhood before my prime years as a woman even started. I was in denial, I hated God, and I felt worthless. Back then, I didn’t understand yet,that God has a plan for all of us and sometimes he puts us through those rough times because this is what it takes for us to find our way back to Him.
All of my really close friends and family still live in Germany and at that time I have just moved to Hawaii. I made some new friends but it was not the same. Most of them were military spouses, superficial and full of drama. Don’t get it twisted though, I’m not saying every spouse is like that, the majority of my friend circle is military associated but… if any of you have ever been around this environment, you know what I mean (no offense!). It was so hard to really talk about my diagnosis, especially because all of the people around me started popping out babies like chickens pop out eggs. I hated the typical textbook responses like “you can still adopt” or “maybe it was just not meant to be” blah, blah, blah…. I felt excluded, like the fifth wheel. I was lonely, sad, depressed, and lost all hope of ever being able to conceive and carry a child. I think that diagnosis, and the hardships of the years following, were the hardest times I have ever went through. From losing my fertility to having to start my life over from nothing in a new country that became my home. Maybe one day, I might write about that crazy ride as well.
Fast forward to August 2015; something happened that I thought was impossible. I miraculously fell pregnant. After almost a decade and being diagnosed with infertility. I couldn’t believe it. And sure enough, our joy was short-lived. I was 6 1/2 weeks when we found out that it was an ectopic pregnancy, which ended up causing me to lose the baby along with one of my fallopian tubes. I was crushed. I mean how does this happen? After all these years and then this! I am so blessed to have such an amazing and supportive husband who is definitely my rock, and always encourages me and looks at the bright side of things; like hey, I still have one tube left!
My doctor said to abstain from intercourse for three months, as this is how long it would take for my body to get back to normal and for the uterus lining to thicken up again. Well honestly, at this point, intercourse was actually the last thing I had on my mind. It just took some time to process and heal, physically and mentally.
Well, three months passed by, it is now December 2015 and not thinking about it nor expecting it, I fell pregnant again! I was scared that it would be an ectopic pregnancy again, however, I didn’t want to start thinking like that immediately. I mean, who knows, maybe this time was it! When we received the sad news at 7 weeks that it in fact was an ectopic again, I was devastated. There was nothing I could do to take the pain away. And what made it even worse was seeing my husband hurt. We just needed to get through this. We just needed to process and heal. It just took time. And despite all the tragedy, there still is hope; there is still ways and possibilities.
August 2016, a year after our first loss and we have made a decision. We are going to try to conceive our rainbow baby through assisted fertility. We are going to try InVitro Fertilization (IVF)!