I used to be the one on the other side. The one who used to feel left out and desperate to have what others seem to get so easily. The one who thought she would never be able to have her hearts desire fulfilled. I used to be the one who fell into this dark hole of self pity and sadness, while watching everyone around me be so full of happiness.
I used to be bitter every time I saw a new pregnancy or birth announcement around me. I was broken. I was broken and I needed to learn how to heal. It took me almost 10 years to finally accept my circumstances and realize that God has a bigger plan for me. Life is tough, as you probably know, and though I find my peace with God and know that He is always by my side to guide me through whatever I am facing, it still hurts – because I am human.
I grief, I suffer, I fall down and I get back up.
Looking back, I would have never thought or believed that one day my longing for motherhood would be a dream come true. Infertility is my dark past. And it is present while I am experiencing the most wonderful gift of love – God’s creation of life – growing within me. And yes, it will also be my future, even when I am finally holding and raising my unborn children. It is a part of me, one of the major things that shaped me.
So I understand you. The one who broken-heartedly waits for something she now thinks she may never be able to have. The one who experiences disappointment after disappointment. The one who watches everyone around her being blessed with something she wants so, so bad. The one who hurts endlessly and can’t feel happy for others and just sad for herself.
I understand you because you are who I once used to be. And now that I am on the other side of you, I don’t exactly know how you want me to behave around you. I want to share my joy with you and the new milestones I am reaching during this journey. I want to show you that there is hope even though the pain might seem so deep right now. I feel for you and want to uplift you and comfort you with my words, but I don’t want to hurt you because I know you look at me as the one who is now on the other side.
My sweet friend, you might think that my journey is not as hard as yours because my first IVF cycle was successful. You might think I did not have to endure the same pain you did, and maybe you’re right, maybe I didn’t because we are all different. And if you think I am passed all my struggles, I assure you I am not. I fear, I worry and I sometimes struggle to enjoy the fact that I am finally pregnant. I am not in the safe zone yet and I will probably worry until the day I’ll finally get to hold my children in my arms.
I need support during this journey just as much as you do, though you might think our journeys are not the same. But they are because I once was you; the girl on the other side. And no matter what it is, friend, know that miracles do happen and that I am here, willing to catch you when you fall and I am ready to walk your way with you.