When you lose something you almost had – Part 2: Nothing but Love

A post broken up in parts due to its’ length

Despite the unfortunate circumstances, I had hope. I was slowly healing, physically as well as emotionally. Wearing a mask, hiding behind a smile.

Being back at work was hard but at Processed with Snapseed.the same time it was good for me as it was plenty of distraction. It was only September but being part of the engagement committee at my old job, it was already time to start preparing for the company holiday party. A lot of my coworkers figured I was on vacation so no one really questioned my absence, which was good because that meant not having to answer any uncomfortable questions. My boss at that time was very understanding and happy to see me back at work. I was her assistant and I was fortunate to have had a pretty good relationship with her. She didn’t ask many questions but I was always pretty open with her and hence didn’t mind sharing.

Our friend that was staying with us through part of my recovery ended up staying with his family for the remainder of his time in Hawaii. He’s our friend, and I dearly care about him but it was honestly a bit much having another person around the house while going through all this. You know how bad you can feel after surgery, not mentioning losing a baby so I just wanted to be.

I also found a picture (screenshot) just now while scrolling through my phone, which is of the 4 major category hurricanes that were lingering around the Hawaiian Islands to that time. It says “A rare moment in the pacific.” A rare moment like the rare occurrence of our pregnancy miracle, I guess. As I mentioned in my previous post, the first day I left my house post recovery was to get my hair done a couple of days before returning to work. Downtown was actually flooded from all the rain we got from the storms.

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I wasn’t sure what effect our unexpected pregnancy loss would have on our relationship. My husband, who was still my boyfriend at the time, took the loss fairly well. He seemed positive and hopeful that it was all part of the Lord’s plan. He encouraged and supported me as much as he could. I was still a little skeptic but my heart was definitely opened and I started seeing the Lord’s goodness every day a little bit more. But I was not at the point yet where I could say I have accepted Jesus back into my heart.

My husband and I followed the doctor’s instructions and abstained from any intercourse for the next three months but honestly this was the last thing on my mind anyway. Don’t get me wrong, I love my husband and loved him then but besides feeling like I needed time to heal physically I was also scared of what would or could happen. I just didn’t want us to experience the same scenario again. It definitely took some time. And I know, some Christians might be reading this and be against what I am sharing because we had
pre-marital intercourse. Trust me, I know that’s not what you are supposed to do, but keep in mind that at that time I wasn’t saved yet, and also that we all are sinners in our own different ways.

Following the surgery, I had to get blood draws done every few days to make sure my HCG levels drop to zero. It took about a month to get back to normal. I was so tired of getting poked so many times. My arms started looking like the ones of a drug addict, no kidding, and little did I imagine then that we’d be experiencing a second pregnancy loss, and someday would be going through IVF and then having to go through so many needle pokes and much more, again.


Besides my husband and me growing closer together and slowly finding the Lord, my relationship to my parents actually changed in a good way as well. I may have mentioned previously that my mother and I did not see eye to eye while growing up. Well, things have definitely changed over the years. Especially after moving to a different country, recovering from domestic violence and having to rebuild my life from nothing and having found an amazing person to share my life with. I had no clue that things were about to change even more.

I think the pregnancy loss, or should I say miracle of falling pregnant in first place, is what triggered my parents deciding to come visit us in Hawaii. I haven’t seen them in 5 years so I was not sure what exactly to expect. I was excited and scared at the same time but I kept telling myself that this was to be a great reunion. My parents had never met my husband in person (only through Skype) so it was really exciting for this reason as well. Now that I’m thinking back, I don’t know who was more nervous, my husband or I.

The days leading up to my parents arrival we were busy cleaning the apartment; we’re not dirty or messy people by any means but anyone who knows my mom knows that she has an eye for every tiny particle of dust (sorry, mom! lol). So I made sure she wouldn’t find any and we even deep cleaned all of our carpets. I know it sounds crazy but after 5 years of not seeing each other I tried to make the best impression I could. I wasn’t worried about them meeting my husband cause who doesn’t love that guy!

Anyways, we made a lot of plans for them and even arranged a couple of day trips to the outer islands, Kauai and Big Island to be exact. We just wanted them to have a great time as both of us still had to work for majority of the time they were here. After all, I was just off work due to the surgery. My boss understood though and allowed me to take some days off. All this planning took my mind off of things too and I felt happiness instead of my post loss depression.

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The day finally came and we were about to be reunited. We went to the airport and waited, and waited, and waited. All the passengers on their plane seemed to have left already but my parents were nowhere in sight. We asked around and finally saw them trotting down the hall. Happy (teary) moment! And they seemed to have hit it off with my husband from the get go. This went better than I thought!

The next two and a half weeks were fun-filled, family bonding time but my whole life was also about to change, again. It was November 05th, my mom’s birthday and we planned out the whole day (surprise!) for her. My husband told me he had to make a quick run in the morning and pick up some books for his upcoming classes (he’s a busy bee working full-time and taking part-time classes!), I didn’t think anything else of it. I told him when he’s on his way back to call me and pick me up so we can pick up my mom’s birthday cake. I mean, I could have went by myself but after all, this was supposed to be a surprise so I didn’t want her to suspect anything. I told my parents I was taking our dog for a quick walk but in reality my husband picked me up down the street so we could get the cake.

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It was a great surprise for my mom and dad, I mean who doesn’t like eating cake at 11 am lol, and because they were about to find out that we were taking them on a dinner cruise. This was a big thing for my dad especially, as he is affected by MS aka Multiple Sclerosis and never thought that due to his balancing problems he could go on a boat or ship again. We had a grand time and it was definitely a great way to celebrate my mom’s birthday!

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The next day we decided to take them sightseeing. I mean, they’ve been to Hawaii before but of course there was certain places they haven’t seen yet. We decided to take them up to Tantalus lookout where you get a stunning view of Honolulu. When we got up to the lookout there was a family who was just leaving. We had the whole lookout to ourselves, which is rare, so we started snapping some pictures.

Wow guys, I’m getting butterflies just writing about this, no kidding!

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My husband handed my mom his phone so she could take a “picture”.  So here we were, posing and what not and all of a sudden my husband turned around and grabbed me and said: “Look…” while he got on his knee. “Will you marry me?” I felt like time stopped. Imagine a video clip that suddenly turns into slow motion. I was thinking ‘what just happened?! Is this for real?! I’m about to pass out. No, don’t pass out. Yep, it is real! He wants to marry me. He proposed! In front of my parents. Yes!’ He looked at me with hopeful eyes, waiting for an answer. I didn’t realize I didn’t answer him yet and that I was just thinking the answer in my head. So I said “Yes!” Or should I say I sobbed lol 

Turns out my mom was not taking any pictures but actually recording the precious and life changing moment. What else blew my mind was that everyone was involved in the proposal. Even my sister in Germany knew about it! My husband did it the old school way and asked my parents for my hand prior to proposing. He managed to show my parents my ring while I was in the shower. Tricky, tricky this guy lol I had no clue! I came to find out that he was picking up my ring when he was supposedly “picking up books for class”. He also ordered it a few months back while our friend was staying with us, as I remember him trying to meet with someone at the mall while our friend and I were not allowed to be there! He never told us why but I guess now we know!

We decided to get married while my parents were still there. We had 5 days left! ‘Ummm, where do we start and when can we do this?!’ Well, Veteran’s Day was just 4 days away.
We were both off work that day (and will be all following years) and it was the day before my parents left. Perfect, 11/11/15 it is!

We figured we would just have a simple ceremony and maybe later on have an actual wedding with all of our family. We wanted to be able to celebrate this special day with my parents as it is hard for them to travel back and forth due to my father’s health, and a trip to Hawaii isn’t cheap either! We didn’t plan on getting all dressed up but somehow ended up doing the exact opposite. We were able to plan everything out in just four days. We got our marriage license and asked our then neighbor who is a pastor if he would give us the honor to marry us. I found an actual wedding dress which was on sale for about $400 cheaper than the original price, my coworker let me borrow her wedding jewelry, my husband found a lovely suit, my friend took our pictures, we got our ceremony by the Pacific Ocean, and ended the day with a lovely dinner at a restaurant with parentals, pastor and pastor’s mother. I honestly couldn’t have asked for a better way except maybe having my husband’s family attend as well.enhance-1

We enjoyed our last day with my parents before they headed back to Germany. I was happy to have been able to spend the time but sad to see them go. I really hate ‘see you laters’. I’m not good at them nor have I ever been. I’m a cry baby, ok. But it’s all good, I will see them again and hopefully next time in Germany.

One thing that absolutely blew my mind was sometime before we headed to the airport my dad asked me “Have you thought about his name yet?” I wasn’t sure what he was talking about and said “What you mean?” He said “The baby!” My mom started laughing and said that we’re not even there yet and my dad just said “Well, for the future. It’s happening.”

We really didn’t think much about it as we thought he was just excited about our future family planning. But we were about to be shocked with the truth…



2 thoughts on “When you lose something you almost had – Part 2: Nothing but Love

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