When time slows down, my mind seems to be working overtime. It’s like a computer you can’t shut off. Especially now that we are playing the waiting game. Not a fun game to play nor have I ever been good at it.
I try to be as patient as I can be but to be honest, I’m probably the most impatient person you will ever meet. When I want something, I want it. Now. I usually don’t hesitate and go for what I want and when I want it. You might think ‘That’s great, you are a go-getter!’ Well, it is a good thing but when it comes to certain situations it might also bite you in the behind. Trust me on that one!
Like that one time I thought it was a great idea to get a (stupid) tattoo in a place I now regret. I can’t even stand looking at it anymore. Good thing tattoos are [not] forever; it is literally coming off my chest. Or so I hope. Laser treatment is no fun and it really does take forever to get rid of, more so now that we are trying to extend our little family. That’s really not something to complain about though!
I’m just battling with not letting my emotions take over and make any decisions for me. I am being taught a big lesson here because during this IVF journey I can’t just let my emotions run the show. I mean, I could probably try to but seriously, where would that lead me? Our emotions and heart can be tricky and are so deceitful at times!
Having to wait for our frosties to be transferred was really not on my agenda. Yes, I had an agenda. It consisted of going through this IVF cycle and being pregnant before Christmas. If only it was that easy! Things don’t work that way and even though our plans might fail, we need to remember that God’s agenda is always greater than our own anyways, and His plan was probably His plan A for us all along. So I will just lay it in His hands and trust in Him.
You know how it is though, you’re looking forward to something and then “poof!”
I completely understand all the good intentions behind making me wait and doing a frozen transfer rather than the fresh one, and in the end I am super thankful that my clinic made the decision for me to rest and heal up, and that I did not develop OHSS! I honestly didn’t realize how much stress all this put on me and my body until I started feeling better after retrieval. My coworker also mentioned to me the other day that I “look better and rejuvenated.” I must have really looked how I felt!
Two months might really not be a long time for some of you. Ok, ok, I do know it isn’t long. We’re still waiting on our new schedule to arrive but so far it looks like January 12, 2017 will be our frozen embryo transfer. I’m looking forward to it and counting down the days! When I think back to when we first decided to go the IVF route and how I kept thinking that time was just passing by so slowly but then everything happened really fast, from surgery to stimulation to egg retrieval; this two month wait is really nothing. I guess it just makes me feel some kind of way seeing all these pregnancy announcements, moms to be, moms that just gave birth, and beautiful holiday family pictures on social media. Ah social media, gotta love but at the same time hate it.
Look, I’m not hating or saying people don’t deserve happiness! I am truly happy for all of them but at the same time it reminds me of all of my infertility struggles and wanting something we can’t have right now, or something that might just not work out at all. I don’t know what God’s plan for us is. I just know that by His grace and if it is in His plan, my turn is coming eventually. It’s just hard at times. I have my moments of weakness like everyone else. Maybe I should just stay away from social media for a bit. But then again, that’s not going to fix things either.
I guess what also stirs the pot here is that experiencing our pregnancy losses and going through infertility treatment has revealed a lot of people not being who they seem or pretend to be. I can’t lie, I’ve been pretty heartbroken about some friendships that have slowly faded due to my change of lifestyle and relationship to Christ, and some days you just feel alone with your struggles. I’m sure many of you can relate. I think we all have been there at some point in our life where we realize that a friendship is just not the same anymore and finally breaks apart. It simply hurts. There is no other words for it. I guess all we can do is keep the good memories and move on.
But those are the exact moments when I have seen God coming through and working amazing things in my life. Through all this I have learned that He does not take anything away without replacing it with something better. So as sad as it might seem initially, there is actually nothing to be really sad about.
Even though I am writing a blog and am sharing our journey pretty openly, it’s really not that easy for me to speak about things that show my vulnerability. You can ask my husband, he’s experienced it first hand while we were dating, and I honestly have to give him all the credit for being so patient and not giving up on me. He was really determined, I guess! My life was a slight (which is an understatement lol) mess I had to get in order, and my husband has seen me grow from zero to who I am today. Never would I have believed that one day I will be meeting someone in whom I find everything I ever longed as far as a partner and relationship / marriage goes. He is truly a gift of God to my earthly life.
But seriously, I was a hard nut to crack. My husband met me a few months after recovering from a very bad and abusive relationship. This was probably the worst time in my life and the best and only advice I can give is that if you are or you know someone, or suspect someone going through something like this, just be there for them and help them get out before it is too late. I was lucky to have had people in my life that acted when they saw their chance and helped me get out; or else I could have died. And I’m not exaggerating, not even a bit. Maybe one day I will have enough courage to write a detailed post on this nightmare of domestic violence. But for now, I will leave it at this.
Goodness, I feel like my mind really is all over the place. Maybe I should have called this post “brain scramble,” or whatever.
I obviously need distraction, not to mention motivation. I’ve been thinking about working out, running or doing something healthy or fun that gets me out of this rut. By the time I get home from work I want to do n o t h i n g. I just need to get my mind off things and keep busy so that I stop thinking about the same stuff over and over again when all I can really do is just be still and wait. One place that always motivates me and makes me feel better is church, and being spiritually fed by the word of God. Which reminds me of tonight’s service. One thing to look forward to, besides coming home to my husband and puppy 😉
I do work full-time but it’s been really quiet at work. Some people are now probably saying “You shouldn’t complain about that.” Yes, it’s nice to have some down time but I would rather be busy and productive, and have time pass faster to say the least. Maybe it’s because the holidays are approaching. Ahhh, the holiday season. My favorite time of the year. But who’s isn’t it?
It’s also our first holiday season in our very own home. There is a bunch of home projects we have planned we’d like to tackle. We moved in the beginning of this year and it still seems like we are unpacking and getting things situated. I guess a two month break from trying to fall pregnant is the perfect opportunity to get things out of the way and in order. We just need to find the time and get started.
Do I hear home improvement blog post? Lol Well, we shall see….